You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
