I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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