Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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