I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
