look no pants
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
