Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
