i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
