i can't believe i had my finger in that
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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