We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
