I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
