Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
