You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Let's get the cat blown out
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
