I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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