What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
