I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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