yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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