I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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