i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
