you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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