I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
i need an iv and a liver transplant
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
