I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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