Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
