Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
