Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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