dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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