I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
