fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
