I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
