Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I think your dad took our porno
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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