DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My dad is sitting where you rode me
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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