I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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