He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
