if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
