She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
