The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
