Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
