Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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