My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
