Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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