Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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