She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
