I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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