Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
