I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
