thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
