I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
