i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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