Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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