I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
