This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
