his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
