I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
