I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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