clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize