he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
