Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
